Trust is a Tug of War

The idea that another person could be trusted automatically is a foreign concept for many people. Think about your initial reaction to a stranger. Is your gut instinct to be wary of them? Or do you feel curious and cautious? Perhaps you’re hoping for a connection? There are a range of possibilities when it comes to trusting others.

When trust is violated significantly, the automatic reaction might become “people can’t be trusted, ever”. For others, it’s a little bit more open: “people can’t be trusted… at least at first.”

You might be thinking: “But it’s common for people to distrust strangers. Who knows what their intentions are? They might be trying to sell me something, like a car warranty.”

Many people need time to warm up to strangers. We often want repeated positive interactions before we start to allow people into our lives. But the process of trusting people over time assumes movement towards a deeper connection. This movement is stalled in many people.

Adults may notice that their relationships feel shallow, or that they feel lonely even in a room full of people. Sometimes, this is caused by a struggle to connect in meaningful ways. If the people around notice your reluctance to share anything, then they might stop getting to know you.

When trusting and sharing parts of ourselves is difficult, revealing your favorite color could feel like a big deal. Telling someone a secret, a shameful experience, or a private detail, takes even more effort.

Some people believe that others are fundamentally trustworthy until proven otherwise. This assumption makes it easier to connect with others. If you give people the benefit of the doubt, this helps people see you as approachable and likeable. But at an extreme, it could result in trusting too much, or oversharing.

Not everyone is trustworthy. People can have bad intentions or mean harm. And so, protecting ourselves from harm makes sense. Sometimes people feel safer in isolation. This is can be a powerful reason to not trust. The thought might go: “Maybe if I keep people at a distance, they can’t hurt me so much.”

Ironically, these same people will sometimes yearn for relationships, and feel incredibly lonely.

The tug of war between trusting and not trusting is a work in progress. Figuring out who to trust, and how much to trust them is a skill that can be strengthened in therapy.