Trust is a basic human ability, but it’s far from universal.

Children learn to trust automatically, without an instruction manual. Evolutionary psychologists suggest that trust is necessary for survival, that it is an ability we are born with. Think of a typical infant. They are helpless and cannot fend for themselves at all. An infant’s instinct to cry brings people over to them, to care for them. Hopefully it is someone who loves them. But that infant has to be helped by others; they have no other choice.

As we grow older, we start to notice how people treat us. This is especially important with caregivers. “Who is there for me? Are the grownups in my life reliable and consistent? Do I feel connected to them, matter to them? Am I safe with them? Have they taught me to be courageous and capable?”

Every child needs at least one, kind and trustworthy adult in their lives. This is often going to be a parent or guardian, but it could be any other caring adult. It needs to be someone, even if their support is only available for the briefest time. Adults who grew up without any close connections tend to struggle significantly.

In other cases, children may have one or more good relationships in their lives, but their sense of trust and safety can be violated. When they become adults, one default way of thinking might be “I can’t trust anyone, ever. People are untrustworthy, period.” Even without this sort of experience, adults can violate each other’s trust through manipulation, deception, discrimination, etc.

People also violate trust in themselves. Accidents, mistakes, and harmful choices can seem unforgiveable.

Last, but not least, our actions can cause other people to lose trust in us.

Trust might be innate, but trustworthiness can be broken. Learning to fix this problem takes a lot of work and patience. Patience with yourself, and with others. A therapist can help you through this process.